Chou Oni, Ge Ge Hao Xiang Nian Ni!

Without my little sister around while she is on a travelling tour with Mimi and our relatives, things seem to be less cheerful at home. I miss Lim Winnie, a lot! I love to yell at her and call her names and I know how terrible a brother I have been to have taken my best personal masseuse for granted. She loves to crash into my room in the midst of my constipating moments with understanding the legal language on Sundays to offer me some new therapies she invented after watching bimbo TV shows on fashion and aromatherapy. I want her to give me her typical ticklish massage and to feel the touch of her warm hands. How sweet of her to show some sisterly love to her one-and-only-one awesome brother on weekends especially after my tormenting yoga session. Sigh. No body massage tomorrow.

And then this little cashier I met at the Bee's Bakery reminded me of Winnie. She was so slow but cute in a way I had to tell her, "It's okay if you can't calculate. You can still be a lawyer. Law students don't do math." (O_0) I know. A bit too random for a little girl to take my words as a joke because she thought I was lecturing her.

Just an update on how pathetic my social life has been. I went clubbing twice within a month and a half ! Geek boy gone bad? Nah. I would not even smoke even though certain people made me and unlike those crazy clubbers I did not make out with random people (aww, I wish I had the chance :P). But what do you know, getting intoxicated can be quite joyful. Pictures of me dancing above the crowd and pole-dancing tell the story better. Blek. I'm so screwed up with assignments I sound like a bimbo now. Shit ass. What has gone wrong with this self-confessed sentimentalist?!

Gathering with PB2 at Republic, Sunway Pyramid was really rewarding albeit I had to forego precious time with my dear assignments. It was a dull Friday afternoon until I received a message from Jia Ming on Facebook saying he was back in KL. My bad seriously for not reading his blog recently and did not realise he was having hard time with his grandmother's illness. And I was super thrilled that he was back for a week, thinking that could be a golden chance for us to meet up before some of the classmates are leaving for Australia next January. Well, we met up anyway and had good time teasing Ms. Tan Bee Hong and listening to Shaun boasting about his I-phones. Izzat was still bubbly and talkative as usual and I took pride in meeting him up with his good friend Jia Ming :) Wish the others like Aileen, Sheng Li, Jolene and Eik Hung were there joining us too. Hmmm...

I got too used to these familiar faces (friends from Taylor's) I now find it hard to fit in among the new people sometimes. While I find myself by present no longer good at 'downpouring' sentimentality like the terrible rainy season lately, I am thankful that I am getting better at practicing this new belief of 'the world is too busy for my irrelevant sadness'. No worries. I will remain the sensitive Wee Liang you ever know and turn bitchy when I have to.

I miss Lim Winnie, my lousiest sister in the world...ahhhh! Come back here to your whining brother!

Yes, This is Fake and Vague Again

If you did notice, I deleted a few posts because I find them really annoying. I have a confession to make: I have been updating for the sake of blogging. Some posts were meant to 'entertain' certain readers who claimed my writings are getting 'fake' and 'vague'. Whatever that means :)


I have made up my mind to open up another private blog so I can share my ongoing troubling secret with a handful number of friends. I just do not understand how some of my friends or ex-schoolmates can share their privacy with their 'bagful' number of attention-lacking readers. Blame Kenny Sia for leading the blogosphere trend of attempting too hard to be the talk of the town all the time. Darn it. Am I the one getting more withdrawn from the people around me to the extent that I can no longer spit my misery to even close friends? Getting me to go out with collegemates and my beloved ex-classmates seem like a costly (money and effort wise) ordeal. They apparently had to text me lots of messages and persuade me like serving me candies to make me, the little boy, to get out of the cosy closet I am hiding in.

(Poppy-ing with coursemates and to be honest I was kinda tipsy after 2.5 glasses of chivas. Hence, forgotten this cute chick's name. Fuck, there were so many eyecandies! LOL...)

Good thing my good old pal Moh Juinn answered this question on my behalf. He called me up to complain how life has become less colourful recently. The fact that he is tied up with a good girlfriend and having wealthy parents just do not make things the way he intends to be. He wants fun, active social interations and whole lot of free time alike most of us who are constantly cursing lecturers when our time is all consumed on assignments and D.I.Y notes. The phone conversation only lasted for tens of minutes but it felt like knowing him once again. The Moh Juinn I talked to on the phone is no longer the crazy, flirtatious and childish MJ I used to yell at back in high school whenever he performed lousily in his task for our dear Drama and Music Club. We have to change for the better to shoulder responsibility. MJ realised this too but the innate naughty nature in him is tickling his nerves already.





"Aren't you bored sticking in your room studying or surfing internet all day long?"


"OMFG. You have no idea how insecure I get when my notes are not completed. Haha! I'm getting used to it, MJ. Life is screwing us all! You have a girlfriend at least."


"I feel aimless besides having to work for my dad to pay the car installment. I'm losing my friends. Don't you feel lonely now? It's like I lost all my confidence I feel worthless."


"Well, to be honest I do. Every single second. And I am trying really hard to recover from my self-esteem crisis. You have no idea what I've been through, MJ."





This also reminded me of Wei Yoong's motto- "Friendship isn't about quantity. It's quality that matters." And right now, I have this urge to get back in contact with a few precious friends before we drift away too far from each other.





One more thing: can my friends who are studying abroad stop uploading pictures of their wonderful life faraway on Facebook? It's making me all jealous and bitter...

hablo al chico ...

You know no hardship until you are taught to judge.

You, shaped to name them right or wrong, will you unconditionally return his brotherly love?

You question, doubt and take it all because you cannot tell what is right to be wrong. 'Let them be', you whispered all the time and smiled, transferring metta to the misunderstanding ones.

The Child who Speaks...

J: I'm gonna tell my mum.

V: I don't think it's a good idea. At least not now.

J: Won't take too long for her to be cool with it.

V: Because she doesn't really care for you?

J: She does! Why would you say that?

V: ......

J: You know you're a hypocrite. I take pride in it. There's nothing wrong. You're gonna be one of those haters when you're in the politics. It's okay to talk about it out loud in public.

V: I doubt I'll get into politics, my dear. I'm what you call, 'discreet'. Unlike you, I have great emotional dependancy on my family. My mum will die if she learns of it. So it's just not the time yet. I think about consequences, kido.

It struck me like a hardblow that a boy of that age would have such guts to fight for who he is. It was just too easy to see through how self-centred and an immature fighter he is who could go about cursing the blameworthiness of human civilisation toward minorities in public, Starbucks for instance. One glance at him and judging from the bookcover, one would deem he is an average next-door boy, secluded in a typical teenage wonderland and wondering how evil the world can be. He knows more evil than I do for he had had a bit taste of the Forbidden Fruit. He accused me of being ignorant (of his emotional disorder) and 'heartless' whilst he had no idea how difficult it is for someone like me to stay unshaken by the least insignificant misery. However I know better than anyone, all he needs is just 'attention' and an ear to listen to. He craves to be understood.

I have never been good at repressing but it is suffice to say I am nothing but 'numb'. There are just too much to be concerned than being constantly finding, proving and making others to acknowledge your identity. I am too numb to be moved by his repetitive complaints on how being different can be too harsh. I make different choices in being different and so he decides to call me a pretender who has yet unleashed my true nature. But for goodness sake, it is why I am being myself that I do not rush to fit into 'our' culture. It has nothing to do with moral beliefs, family values or being conservative. My guess is it is due to his insecurity with himself that he needs someone to put the blame upon. That explains my cool response with his sudden resentment in our conversation.

You cannot go running around making people hear of your anger and expect them to give up their conventional beliefs right away. One of my closest friends still hopes I can abide by the norms of 'normal' people some day soon although I have made it very clear numerous times it has nothing to do with 'preference' and 'misconception'. Full acceptance comes with gradual changes instead of disastrous revolutionary outcry. You want to be accepted then set a good example and show them! Another question arises: how do we set a good example and what is a good example? Monogamous relationship, religious, less bitchy, less colourful outfit etc? How do we conform to their judgement and to fit into subjective stereotype of a normal, accepted human being when perception changes constantly and are we really obliged to meet their social standards in the sense that they are superior over people like us? ...

P/S: sorry for the delayed post update again...mind is sooo blank!

I'm a HELPer!!

Starting anew is what I have been hoping for after completing A-levels at Taylor's University College. Forget about great facility and wide variety of food choices in SS15, I need new air and new faces to come up with a new and hopefully better Wee Liang. But you know what people say, it is until you get the worst that you feel sorry for not being appreciative in the past. After commencing my law classes at HELP University College, Damansara for about 2 weeks, I cannot find myself in denial that Taylor's is the BEST. Admittedly, I cursed and bitched about Taylor's but let me have the decency to let you know what I paid for at Taylor's was all worth it. Taylorians pay their fees and do their course enrolment in the same department but HELPers (even the way we call HELP students sounds so much lousier) have the benefit of burning more calories by walking from one department to another to settle different procedures to be registered as a HELPer. Let me summarise these fundamental steps systematically:-

1. Fill in the enrolment form and submit SPM results, A-levels results, photocopies of I.C and a few photos.

2. Get an offer letter from the registry department and read pages of crap and then make your parents sign them. Oh, it takes a few days to get the offer letter by the way and why do you need an offer letter?! I do not understand.... (-_-) Nothing much stated in the the so-called 'contract' to be in breach anyway!

3. Pay for the administration fee and get a receipt.

4. Get your ass back at registry to make a student ID card. Oh shit, my ID's photo is just plain horrendous.

5. Fill up subject registry form and register yourself for subject enrolment.

6. Pay your fees at the bursary department. Gosh, the ladies at the department were imbeciles. They were so old, slow and inefficient! One of them gave me the wrong receipt and I got yelled by the owner of the receipt right in front of the long queue!!! Ahh, my dignity oh dignity...

Obviously HELP lacks of the business knowledge of 'delayering'. 'Delayering' defines removing of unnecessary middle management for the sake of faster business decisions and efficient work. I suggest they programme a software which can process student's personal information data, payment and subject enrolment at the same time. If lousy Taylor's can do that, why not HELP? Even the Malay clerks at Taylor's Student Central are smarter and hotter than those aunties at HELP's bursary department. Gosh!! We actually had to take days and some even needed two weeks to complete all these. Bearing with the long queue and unfriendly staff felt like eating organic food~ Talk about food ... ... Expensive and limited choice!!!!!!

Walked to Main Campus instead of waiting stupidly for shuttle bus at Wisma KPD. Suat Lin and I were fed up of the crowd at the bus stop. Met a really nice girl, Sarrah who led our way.

I was never good at readjusting myself in a new place but I must say above all those constipated moments at HELP during the first few weeks, I am quite fond of the new faces here. No, I am so not saying they are eyecandies because in fact they are not at all!! So could you just imagine how much of pain our lookist Suat Lin is suffering right now? HELPers are more 'interesting' and have more personality than Taylorians (those whom I know of). My observation tells me most of them are not brand-conscious and aristocrat-wannabe and this means great news to me-no peer pressure on clothing. Haha. We have a 22-year old mother of a baby daughter, a pork eating Jordin Sparks look-alike fat Malay chick, a short nerdy looking guy from Bhutan who takes drugs, a 32-year old Christian extremist Black lady who cries when she talks about Jesus, a lecturer who supports same sex marriage and bores his students when he condemns the government and whatnot.

I like HELP after all despite the terrible traffic congestion. Sigh~ Edward got a new scratch at the Main Campus car park few days ago and I am getting used to the bad toilet scent of the Main Campus corridor. Hmm, never been this optimistic. Weird huh? I draw optimism from jogging (meditation) :p

Ohyea, the lady at HELP Desk (some counter meant to register ourselves for our student portal) was really rude and ugly. Look at what she did to my MyPride personal details? LOL!!! Don't I look Chinese enough? I would appreciate it if she made me a Chindian...

I wish Kelly is with us. We need her bubbly but bitchy jokes and idiotic acts~ On last note: nothing lasts forever but friendships and love rise and resurface in different forms is what life intended for. Even if we do not talk to each other that often anymore or share our true heartfelt feelings like what we used to do back then it does not mean we are no longer 'that' close. It is just a matter of me knowing how to keep my cool better and that I still need you but in a new and distinct way. Wee Liang has grown through the pain. I hope all is well with you too, Suat Lin.

We All Suffer the Same Illness

The beauty of losing is that it is a wonder drug for one who suffers from the emotional disease of not being able to see how much he possesses. I was a patient of such illness and recuperating from the false conception that I was not worthy of love and acknowledgement, fortunately, took only a few days before I came to the realisation that I by present own more than enough. That, I have to thank someone for making me lose 'something'. Certainly, 'something' is not my virginity. People have been making fun of my undersexed nature in mamak gatherings. (Li Hui, you bitch~)

It is good to know that I did not weep pathetically and feel devastated over the matter of losing something. That shows how insensitive I have become recently and this too explains why I have been delaying my post updates here. Perhaps all blame should be put unto the long and dragging holidays. Just so you know, I have been doing lots of INTERESTING things these days. I jog every evening, made salad, watched movie with friends, turned up for gatherings, attended friends' farewell dinner and party, worked at Taylor's for a few days, read three books, endured my grandmother's silliness, went to The Gardens Mall for my very first time, received my terrible A-levels results, fell off from my cracked bed, celebrated my little niece Abigail's 1st birthday and of course finding out who is my sister's boyfriend.

See, who says Wee Liang is boring? ...

Buh-by O' Master Soong

I saw all these faces and talked to most of them to only then realise the development of changes in myself. Both batch of my high school mates and college coursemates gathered at the party to farewell the same friend we all share, Eik Hung.

Each and every one of those from Kwang Hua looked different and so was I to them. We were all measuring and comparing ourselves to the old persons we once were a while ago. Some have picked up better fashion sense and most are relatively accustomed to our local Klang 'seafood' culture. Those who were close friends back then contrived conversations amongst themselves like strangers. Good to know most of the couples except Eik Hung and Su Shien are still happily attached. It seemed like a warm gathering for my fellow ex-classmates (despite the chill after heavy rain...stingy party organiser! ^^) but I felt rather outcasted perhaps due to my lack of interest in keeping in contact with these old friends for the past one and a half years. I spent most of the night with friends from college like Hazel, Wan Teng, Melissa, Yee Ern, Zhan Hong, Jia Ming, Alex, Eng Liang, Bern, Pheik Vay, Julie, Sheng Li and of course Suat Lin. We did nothing much but chatting and joking like we used to do at Taylor's.

Eik Hung oh Eik Hung, one kind of a friend who you feel like bashing him to death but still you would call him a pal. I did not like him since those days in Kwang Hua because he gave me this 'cocky and self-righteous' impression and most important of all I could not agree with his appreciation for girls- tall, smart, pretty and slim because most of my girlfriends who I love so much are not at all of that category. He talks too much about the corporate world, stock market and most recently- TAXATION I get extremely intimidated. He used to pride himself too much on his excellent SPM results and special appearance on a TV show featuring brilliant SPM scorers (duh!). He is an avid brand conscious aristocrat-wannabe (not that he is the only one at Taylor's) who enjoys the cheapskate dish called LALA beyond other scrumptious exclusive a la carte in the world and sleeps in lectures like an old uncle- watering-open mouthed. He may not realise it but the way he gave out his ideas openly and proudly in class discussion and group work made him look like he tried very hard to SHOW OFF. This stingy guy was reluctant of giving me a ride on his car back then when I could not drive. (=_=)

But me and him got pally after some time. He gives good advice in terms of studies and education pathways and he takes brotherhood quite seriously. I realised he stopped exploiting my lack of knowledge on sports and commerce-related matters and he no longer belittles my 'manliness' ever since he started reading my blog. (I think so, at least) I joined PB2 because he told me the subject combination suits me (which is not at all true, of course) and I have to thank him for that because I would not have met all these wonderful people if I did not join this class, okay, maybe except for one particular person. = = While everyone was too busy (more like too scared to attend funerals due to the unlucky year for us Horses), Master Soong suggested me and him attend Siew Yee's dad's funeral. He may look like a lousy person but he is pretty much a friend you can call out for yumcha session coz he tries to turn up and does not ffk.

Say goodbye to Soong Eik Hung. Hong Kong is definitely his place since he is an ardent fan of HK pop culture and HK shows (meant for empty, desperate housewives). Master Soong, you better watch out coz I may be the one suing your company in the future. You never know... ...

Bless me, or not?

Blessed are the forgetful ones for they get the better even of the blunders? Unless you possess the ability to wipe off selective memories, I would have to agree with this statement wholeheartedly. Craps are like haunting ghosts. The more you run away from them, the more they haunt you. We do not forget, we try too hard to forget. And I thought jogging is a good form of walk-meditation; as if time freezes and the world seems to be disconnected from me for a moment. I can be as slight mindful as knowing how spaced out I have been while gasping for air, landing my footsteps heavily and of course realising how far my thoughts could run off. My question haunts again- how blessed am I? As quoted from a friend’s MSN personal message, ‘Blessed is to sleep in peace and to wake up in peace knowing the new day is a good one’.

Contemporary Buddhist teacher, John Kornfield once told his students, “If we can learn to be aware of feelings without grasping or aversion, then they can move through us like changing weather, and we can be free to feel them, and move on like the wind.” The only thing I can assure you I am not blessed with is the capability of treating misery as a mere human emotion. Sorry, Ji Shao. I lied to you. I am not moving on as swiftly as I boasted. The book helps me see things in a different point of view but I am still learning to take things less seriously. It feels good to be mad and fearful at the very beginning because I feel self-righteous like, “I should be angry at him, her, them, the world etc, I’m absolutely right and all of you are wrong!” even though fear, anger or hatred seperates me from good metta sentiments.

I cannot seem to forgive because I am sick of being let down. Tearing and wetting pillows at nights could help sleeping better. So, I guess things are meant for their own good reasons.

Acknowledgement

Sepi kurasa benci tapi agaknya dah tiba masanya si bendu yang lembap macamku mengenali erti 'insaf'.

Yang ingin disampaikan akhirnya ditelan jua.

Yang ingin dirahsiakan akhirnya terlanjur dikongsi.

Kan bagus kalau kaum Adam dan Hawa mampu membaca fikiran, sekaligus tiadalah pencemaran bunyi.

Penat lelah aku coba memahami.

Mengapalah aku rasa si kau tidak merestui aku? Kita tidak sehaluan?

Si dia pula endah tak endah. Kecewa tapi kudiam diri melakonkan aku puas hati.

Ke mana lah si mereka dengan semua janji-janji manis dahulu kala? Teringin meluahkan buah fikiran tapi segan tak ingin menganggu si mereka.

Biar betul inskripsi misteri tamadaun Maya menjadi realiti karena 'people soften by the forced reflection of "lost" '. Masa tulah aku dapat rasa secebis penghargaan. Terharu aku memikirkan nasib aku... ...It's the first time in years I am actually loving myself which is why I seek for a little acknowledgement.

Dear Kak Yasmin Ahmad, (who I ONLY MET her ONCE) thank you so much for being a friend of ours. Your generosity shall never be forgotten. It's going to sound too soppy if I talk a lot about your sudden departure to the other world. I don't think there is a need for me to give some thoughts on that but I treasure you Kak Min, I treasure those short and sweet moments of our message-texting late nights, comment posting on facebook and blog and even our very first and last time of meeting each other at Cinileisure. It feels weird to see your blog no longer updated. R.I.P.